Each word,
With numberless use,
Becomes light
Like the autumn leaves.
Each word,
Once experienced,
Becomes vast
Like the skies,
Deep like the ocean,
Heavy like the doom.
Poetry must be read
Slowly,
Having this in mind.
Then yellow autumn leaves,
Sometimes,
To someone,
Fall heavily
Upon the heart.
The dream thins and vanishes
And quietly I touch
The bank of the day.
Behind me rustling of mists
And the river.
I’ll push the boat into the mist
Into the dream
And enter the light
Alone.
For me,
In the world
There is only one man.
For you – one woman.
They must inevitably meet.
Stop and you will be a king
For kingdom is within you
Earned by your wandering.
Weariness is your royal cape.
The spot where you stop
Into home flourishes.
Stop and you will be the king.
Rest will be your royal ring
And peace your crown.
I have a pocketful of stars
For cloudy nights.
Come.
We’ll scatter the stars
And enter sleep together.
With you I want
To wait for the day.
I’ll give all my stars
Gathered so long
For you.
Come.
When I listen to it
I hear within me
A desperate flutter
Of the white wings.
Between I met you yesterday
And I’ll meet you tomorrow -
Horror:
I must kill the doves.
They flutter, restlessly flutter,
And between I met you yesterday
And will I meet you tomorrow -
Fear
And a desperate flutter
Of the broken wings.
More and more grief
And less surprise.
No interest in life.
Somewhere between unanswered why
And knowledge such is life
Lies a thick sea of indifference.
One has to live with that knowledge.
Or not live.
As you choose
Bare hands holding
The sharp, slippery edge
Of a steep, high mountain.
Growing weary
From the dreary
Long hold.
The head spinning
From the sight
Of the cloud-hidden height
And the bottomless depth.
Hold. Hold still
Till you can no more.
Hold. Hold some more.
Till you forget
How you got there
And why you are still holding.
This is not a dream.
The time frozen in pain.
All hope is vain.
This is reality.
There is no escape
From this endless wake.
Time stands still
But your mind will
Suddenly,
Let go!
I am chasing you,
My debtor.
Upon the rein of your fear
And my desires you rear.
If I stop,
You will tumble
Into the chasms of my love.
I could’ve been happier in life
If I were not raised so darned frugal;
If I just used more toothpaste
To brush my teeth,
And splurged on large ice cream cones,
Instead of looking at them
And buying the small ones.
I could’ve been happier in life
If I hadn’t been told
That ladies never laugh loud in public,
Never walk barefoot in the parks,
Swim naked in the rivers,
While I have always craved to do
Just that;
To experience if once only
The feel of the gentle summer rain
On my naked body.
No. Not proper.
I could’ve been happy - I believe -
If I had worn Katherine Hepburn hats,
Marilyn Monroe’s shoes, maybe even
Sofia Loren’s bras.
I wish I were aloud
To run with the wolves,
Pee in the woods,
And sleep with the man
Not necessarily my own husband.
That path may have been dangerous,
Even perilous, I know,
But I’ve always done
What pleased my parents,
Even now when they are long gone.
Now I am too old to turn the page
And do all those "improper" things
That might have made me happy,
With an illusion of freedom
And a unity with myself.
We all live alone
In our tiny cells,
Shrinking even more
So we don’t touch
Another human being,
Animal or plant,
Not even a river,
Pebble or shell.
Our voices are not heard
Since vacuum does not carry a sound,
And even if we were seen or heard
We wouldn’t be understood.
Dead men, hollow men,
Afraid to live, afraid to love.
You know,
After all,
I am waiting for you.
In spite of my fear
And your doubts
Between us love will happen
Divided by a veil of dream
We look at each other
And do not see,
Listen to each other
And do not hear -
Two worlds
Separated by love.
Uphill downhill
Neither who from
Nor who to
Neither where from
Nor where to
So to and fro
Rolling and strolling
Flopping and stopping
What knot
We know not
We will reveal
Peace
All equal
In the dark
Under
The same arc.
I watch her laughing:
From her eyes little devils jump
And play around.
I listen:
In her throat young doves croon
And flutter joyfully.
She laughs
And scatters pearls happily
Out of the torn bag of gayety
From the mist
Through serpentines
Toward the top.
Great silence waiting.
Aglow with sun
Silence in our chests
We slowly descend.
This land is empty:
Neither neighbor
Nor friend
Or brother
In your search
To find.
No citizens
In this land
Only predecessors
And those who will come
Hereafter.
Brothers in Loneliness.
It’s icy blue and white
Like the mountain peaks,
Its fragrance faint
Like that of snow and pine trees.
It tastes so bittersweet
And makes you feel like
Loosing blood from a gushing wound
With no one around.
The captive of my thoughts
Through the labyrinths of my desire
You are wandering.
Threads of my suffering,
Are a tangled web unraveled.
You are not seeking the way.
The seas grow in me
And the rivers flow.
Horses rear in me
And the winds blow.
The oceans smile in me
And the pearls grow.
The clouds are torn
And the dreams are born.
The Christmas bells call
And the soft rains fall.
Deep forests dream
and the golden wheat ripples.
The doves’ wings flutter
And the rustling birches stutter.
And all the poets
Their poems sing
But I have no bells to ring
My love of life!
This wandering through the streets
With you in my eyes
Constant restlessness and despair
With you in my thoughts
Those sleepless nights
With you in my dreams
Infinite yearning
With you in my blood
This is love.
Midnight.
Silence.
I hear your thoughts
From afar.
Darkness
For me
With despair glows.
You do not deserve
Sleep.
Now
Knowing what I know
Seeing what I’ve seen
I am a smile of understanding
I am a gift of plentitude
That no one notices
No one will find
Forgive them
They don’t know what they want
They don’t know
What life is about.
Although not passionately red,
It is reassuringly warm
Like the autumn sun.
It smells of verbena
And tastes like the soothing
Herbal tea
Making you feel like
A tired river
Finally
Reaching the sea.
This is my message
to you:
Beware of this
Blessing -
Of this damnation
My love
Thank you
For my image
In your eyes.
I did not know
I was so beautiful.
I want you
With all the years
Of my widowhood
And all the years
Of my unfulfilling marriage.
I want you
With all my life
Of a woman in search
For the right mate,
A woman
Not expecting to find him
Anymore
Since there isn’t much time
Left for search.
I want you
With all the awareness
And knowledge
I’ve gathered so long
Through life
Of fair games and unfair losses.
And,
Even if I cannot have you
You, my last chance,
I will still respect
And love life.
My peace lies somewhere afar
Behind seven mountains.
There I must go.
Peace ought to be somewhere
Waiting for me, but
I cannot find it.
Through the memories of you
I understand it all
And will not fail to learn
The ultimate lesson of life -
Love.
Though we all search,
Not all will find
For the quest is
Both simple and complex,
Both direct and indirect.
Things are almost never
What they seem to be;
Those who have
Actually have not;
And we must lose
In order to find,
And go away
In order to return.
And when we are stripped bare
In our human nakedness,
That’s when the beauty of life
As an adventure
Starts.
Let go
And you will understand
The concept of faith
And hope.
Let go.
Freedom is a bliss.
I am a shoreless ocean
Out of me the sun is born
In me the moon is torn
With secrets that shells abide
Silence is waiting a tide...
Come.
This wandering through the streets
With you in my eyes
Constant restlessness and despair
With you in my thoughts
Those sleepless nights
With you in my dreams
Infinite yearning
With you in my blood
This is love.
With my heart -
A lantern
The Man I seek.
Shall I find him?
My head is
For your shoulder craving.
I love you.
Aglow with sun
Silence in our chests
We slowly ascend.
I’ll give all
My unwritten poems
For you.
Come.
Slowly
I am reaching
For you
For the meeting
Greatest in the world.
I love you
Knowing of you
More than you
Yourself.
Running out of myself
Towards you,
Turning my back to life
I watch your face
And Wait.
Tell me something nice
I love you
With all the sixty years
Of my life,
With my hair graying fast.
I love you
With a face on which
Each morning
I discover new lines
Around the eyes and the mouth,
With a body that can still arouse desire
But has no time anymore
To bear you sons.
I love you
With all my womanhood,
With the memories
Of the life past
And a little of the future left.
I love you
With awareness,
And a smile
Woman’s life is like a dinner
Cooked and cooled,
While waiting for her man,
Then heated again several times
Till he finally comes home,
But the dinner is ruined
Like her mood.
My mood is ranging
From joy and high expectations
To sadness and disappointment
Till it’s dead when you reach me
In our disintegrating home
That is my life,
My life of a woman.
No, we will never write together.
I will write (it is a lonely business)
And you will be somewhere else
Working overtime, striving for excellence.
Your love for me will be sublimated
Into love for all people,
For the whole humankind,
For posterity.
I could have been loved
Here and now,
An ordinary woman loved
By an ordinary man.
But I am aglow with love
For you, here and now,
And you are too busy to recognize it.
I will have to be loved
By someone else, an ordinary man,
Not a genius or an ambitious man,
Idealist and a dreamer,
Who wants to touch the world.
Loved not by God or Christ, no,
Just an ordinary, simple, loving man
Who needs me and wants me
Here and now, not in eternity;
Who may even love me
For a limited time only,
But who, like me, believes
That maybe, just maybe,
We can touch the whole humanity
And love eternally
By loving just one woman.
A stuffed animal
Cute and soft and cuddly
But with no heart to love me,
No brains to dream of me,
No soul to connect with mine.
When I am lonely beyond words
I can sleep with you
And you’ll feel soft and yielding
And almost mine.
You will feel nothing afterwards,
No need to call, drop by,
Or send flowers.
You are a stuffed animal,
And I - a human.
The stuffed animal industry
Is growing
For stuffed animals are no more
Children’s toys.
They are our pets, our partners.
They offer so much
And ask so little in return.
Soon,
There will be one stuffed animal
For each human.
Under your own weight
Downwards
Into the dark abysses
Of your own depths
Irresistible
Timeless
Condensed into oblivion
Falling
Into a milky mist of
Awakening.
This is my message
to you:
Beware of this
Blessing -
Of this damnation
My love
I loved that baby
And it loved us too.
I never felt sick
Like other women.
Tiny, tiny little flame
Warmed me from within.
People hurried around me
And everything was
As before
Only I knew the difference.
A smile flooded within me
And I could have been happy.
I should have loved that baby more
For it loved us too.
And when I decided
That it should die unborn,
It left gently, silently,
As if smiling
As always leave us those
Who understand.
Now
I know what I have done.
Empty and miserable
I live on.
My cocker spaniel puppy,
Born April 1985-Died June 3, 1991
For all the days
Filled with your faithful love
For all the patient waiting
For me to come home;
For your gentle touch
And understanding;
For all the times when I was too busy
To notice your big, dark, loving eyes
Following me around;
For your protective watch
In front of my door
Although already tired and dying;
For all my lonely, sleepless nights
When at least I could hear
Your breathing
In your corner downstairs;
For all your hurt of loving someone
Who did not quite understand
Your devotion
Nor could respond on your level;
For teaching me how to love
Unconditionally,
I thank you.
And beg you
Forgive me.
May your great soul
Confined in a small, frail body
Now released for an eternity
To trail in glory of the infinite,
Find a more deserving
Object of love.
Your whole life,
From a tiny crying baby-pup
Severed from your mother
And given to me,
You have played
and fulfilled your role
while I failed mine.
I loved you
You were gentle.
I was gentle too.
My gentleness meant:
I love you.
But
You didn’t love me.
Now I know
Your gentleness meant
Forgive me.
A beach, I lie,
Things told about you
Like the waves
Wash me
In doubt,
For the same words we use
For lies and for truth
-whom should I trust
reason or my heart-
While searching for truth
I don’t know
Whether to hate
Or love you.
Around me turbulence,
Confusion, hate, and violence.
In the still center
Of that maelstrom -
I am alone.
No turbulence, no confusion,
No hate in my heart,
Just sadness and a question:
Why?
Why can’t those murdering hands
Caress babies’ curly hair,
Play the violin?
Create beauty?
In the middle
Of turbulence and confusion,
Let me be quietly wise
Like the trees,
Ageless like the rivers and mountains,
Utterly nonviolent
Like the flowers.
I envy shells at the ocean bottom
The moon upon the deep of skies
Leaves that tremble with the touch of breeze.
I envy rivers - they know their sources
And an embrace waits for them at the end.
It would be easier if I were a lake:
I would have banks and the skies for a roof.
But I am a woman
And I love you.
After twenty years of widowhood
Today, at dawn, I woke up
With your gentle presence
Next to me
So close, yet so fluid.
I miss you, my husband,
Our marriage hardly consummated,
Never given a full chance
In this short lifetime.
The time had gone by too fast:
We raised a child, had a career,
But never enough time
For each other.
Now that all is over,
I miss your gentle presence.
I am saddened by the fact
That we were too young and too shy
To explore each other,
And too busy
To realize it.
Since I have known you
You have inhabited my dreams
So they are restless
And feverish
Like my reality.
For me
There is no peace
No escape into oblivion
Everywhere - you.
I am afraid
Of dreams
Of awakening.
When,
During our talk.
You gently touched my hand,
I did not dare
To notice it
Beyond the rational level.
Here it was,
Your hand,
And a whole human being,
One whole precious life
With its hopes and disappointments,
With its talents and weaknesses;
A whole unknown universe,
I would love to explore,
In exchange for mine
To merge with.
But I did not dare
To accept it,
To hold it,
To keep it.
Because,
So many times,
So many hopes,
Turned out empty.
My blood is running out
From the wound of disillusionment
And I am getting tired,
Tired of hopelessness.
Please,
Give me another chance.
It is not crimson red
But light pink and blue
Like young Picasso’s paintings.
It smells like snow and early violets
And tastes like insecure hope
Making you feel like
Singing in the shower!
After many years
I heard you laugh.
It echoed hollow, green,
Something broke in me
And dark blood dropped
Upon my blue memories.
Look,
Your peonies in my vase:
Silent death
Of a misplaced love.
I’ve lost everything.
Now I fully understand
The concept of wealth.
I have lost it all.
Now I am truly wealthy:
Only friendship counts.
Leave your fatherland.
You’ll carry it
In you for ever
In the same room
In the same bed
During the night
We become one.
During the day
Life separates us
And the space
Where I am alone
With myself
Grows.
It almost scares me:
Do I love you?
Do you love me?
During the night, again,
As if testing our love,
Our kisses grow more passionate
Our embrace urgent
And our intimacy airtight.
Then, I know,
I love you
And you love me, too.
What is it
In the daytime
That frightens us?